The hot second day of work

It has been hot. I have been having headaches after work and perhaps I am just stressed about starting a new job. Yesterday, I fell asleep at 7pm because I was so tired! So Dennis left and I woke up at 8.30 pm feeling sad, dark and alone. And I was scared. I told myself that this time round, with this job, it is not hard, so I should not be scared. But my over perfectionistic self that wanted everything to go right would not comply, and I was feeling over anxious. I always think I have "something"- like an anxiety problem, but Dennis feels that it is because I am very cautious and aware of workplace dynamics. He sees things in such a good light, and I wanted to talk to him badly because I knew I was not seeing perspective.

To be honest, I felt quite sad that I only got 20+ kids because that's half a full timer's work. One of the reasons I walked from Swan team is because they could only offer me 20 kids as well!! If I had known the amount of change this was going to take, I would certainly have honestly kept my Joondalup job!!!! But I know that God has His time and His ways. I cannot deny that this is His move not mine, and thus He must supply me all I need.

Dennis came back to see me because I woke up, and we walked to G'fun (anyone know what that stands for?!?!?) to eat a sago dessert. I felt better after we talked and everything came into perspective. Things are not good, or bad, they are. And also, God has His plan and time. God has something for me to learn that I can grow from!

Thank you for helping me to remember this.

The days before yesterday

Your yesterdays are all boxed up
and neatly put away.

I know that you are not proud of your past.

I thought that you had let me in, but today you told me while we were talking that you were actually scared to let me know too much, in case I measured you by your past and checked you over like a medical.

Today, you let me in.

Thank you. You made it real, you became so real, and I saw you for who you are. I am ok with who you are. I like who you are. And who you are is changing too, because God is working on you. I will continue to like who you are.

I am never too proud of who I am because I feel like I can be very challenging for you, more than you are for me. But today, I felt like you gave me a chance to share in you, to extend my bargain side of unconditionality. I hope I did ok.

I cried for the regret you had, and part of me wants to charge in, guns blazing, and write an end to the sad story. I want to twist her arm and make her. But you have the foresight and the patience to know that change does not come straight away. And I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of being able to make you suffer. I don't want her to know that deep down inside you feel badly about it, I don't want her to know that it showed on your face. Let me hold you in my arms when you do remember, but I won't give her the satisfaction of thinking she yields the power to inflict even discomfort.

The past is such an uncomfortable place for you, and it is like a piece of heaven to me. Our pasts are different. But please understand how important it is for me to understand yesterday's you. Understanding fundamentals helps me to understand the present and the future. And when you became real to me, I connected with you in a really deep way. In a way I had connected with other good friends. In a philosophically deep and unspeakable way. In a way where we could nod, but not explain ourselves. When I come to this place, I do not need my words anymore. But the words are the mountain I climb to reach it.

I guess the Na'vi say it the best, and there is really no english word for it. I've seen you tonight. and in 10 months, I will know you (in the biblical sense of the word). I'm ready to connect. I know it's for life.

o